Well, this weekend has been relatively laid back, for the most part. Since I spent Friday either in class or traveling, it seemed to really take the life out of me on Saturday. Needless to say I pretty much wasted away on that day, after doing the bare essentials.
Anyway, today was a bit different and I spent it getting out and doing things. I even worked in my yard .. but just a little bit. But hey ... it's progress!!
I also pulled the plug on my mother keeping my truck. Needless to say that it's back in my driveway along with the dog food that they falsely promised to move. But, I'll get to that in a minute ...
In the midst of my running around, I was able to continue my efforts on thinking about things and guess what, I'm going to include some of them here.
1. I was thinking about relationships and why so many of them are filled with problems. I'll be as general as possible, but I'll use some recent episodes as examples.
The first instance is how instead of fixing the marriage in its entirety, people think that by cutting something out it will be a quick fix. However, they fail to remember that this 'new part' caused problems to begin with, and if it's honestly an important piece to them, they should learn to find a way to mix in all the qualities, instead of leaving an ingredient out of the picture.
Here's a generalized example. In my years of being single and uncommitted, I've witnessed many friends choose a different road leading to marriage and possibly children. When making this choice, at one time or another, they 'cut out' their single friends altogether in an effort to fix their marriage. Sometimes they don't cut them out completely, but they're so busy 'tip-toeing around' their marriage that they shove that part in a corner for what starts out being a few months and turns into something permanent. This typically happens when there is a push pull in the marriage between someone torn between being a husband / wife and being a friend / somewhat independent individual.
Why does this make sense? Well, to me, it does not. A marriage should be a mixing of 'my life,' 'your life,' and 'our life.' By not learning the right way to mix the batter and instead leaving things out, you're not solving anything, but you're instead either tearing down relationships or getting into the same circle that got you in trouble to begin with. In the end, are you fixing anything?
Anyway, like I said, in my years of being single I've seen this same trend happen over and over again, and I've either been involved or known someone else that has gone through this. With that being said I have also realized that I'll NEVER take marital advice from someone who is married, because as an outsider I can attest that married people lose the logics more often than not, and give advice based on feelings instead of realities.
Now, for my second example. I went to my sister's house today and we talked about a marriage that we know of that is full of drama and bad karma.
Have you ever seen the movie "Enough" with Jennifer Lopez? Well this marriage reminds me of that. Someone is compromising trust, honesty, integrity, trust, security, love, and a real chance at a relationship .. for money. And all of this is done without a fight, without a price to pay, ... basically with no consequences.
While it's honestly none of my business .. I can't help but think of how foolish this is. Granted in the end the best choice may be to stay in the marriage, but that decision should come after discussions, consequences, and quite a bit of screaming (if I do say so myself). By not taking some sort of action, whatever that may be, it's almost like you're telling the spouse that if they do it again, there will be no consequences. So, when the problem resurfaces (I'm betting that it will), who's fault will it be that time around? I'm guessing it's the person who knew about it, had the chance to deal with it, and chose not to for the wrong reasons.
Ok ... enough of that ...
2. Now, to the concept of family.
A lot of people don't understand what it's like to be an adult, a single adult, and live in society today. Trust me, I think it's a great choice for me and I enjoy the benefits of living a single and family free life, but it has it's downfalls, as does everything.
For one, I hate how your family takes you for granted. As many times as I can scream about the subject (I guess it's more like a gentle reminder), my family has, and always will, completely taken me for granted and hold little regard for my life, the events of it, and my needs that go unfulfilled. Two years ago I went on vacation with my mother for a week. Just the two of us. The whole week she talked about Mike-this, Mike-that .. not once did she ever ask what I was doing, how I was, or honestly any personal detail. They assume that my life is either uneventful or insignificant .. or is it that they are so consumed with their 'new life' that the old family has gotten lost in translation. I think that it's a little of both.
Now, I'm not bitching about it, don't get me wrong .. it's been going on for too long for me to still be upset about it. I've learned to deal with it and to rely on others as my emotional support; others who want to play that role. I think that as adults our relationships evolve, and where we got something out of the relationship before, we may have to go somewhere else to find it now. As an example, I was close to my mother, very close, for years. But one day she met her husband Mike, and like my father, she has put so much focus on her new relationship that she's assumed her kids are OK and they don't need her as much anymore. Instead of having one big family, they now have the old and the new. We are of course the old family.
With all that being said, the hardest part about being single is finding a good, steady support system, that won't walk out for better opportunities. You learn to rely on yourself a lot and you learn to process emotions internally, because you get tired of searching for a caring ear. At the same time, and over the years, I have slowly built up this huge wall around myself, and I've gotten so bad that my friends say I have the 'emotions of a man' and that nothing bothers me. I guess I've learned that some things are not worth getting upset about, and even if I were to get upset, I have limited outlets so what will I really accomplish in the end??
It's like the deal with my truck. They had my truck for 6 weeks ... I let them keep it one more week under one condition. She said well Mike got busy ... you know that's fine and all but I think it boils down lack of consideration or lack of respect. I am going out of my way to help you all and you have such little regard for me, my things, my feelings, and my life that you can't do one small favor in return for the HUGE favor I'm doing for you? Of course, that 'relationship' that I have with them is far more complex than that, but you get the point on this recent event.
Anyway part of my 'growing' is going to be me making an attempt to tear down this 100 foot high wall that built up around me. My friends may honestly know about 20% of the real me ... they know little details of my life and no details of my feelings or things that are weighing on my mind. I have no idea how I'm going to do this, because to be honest, I've been closed up for so long that I'm not comfortable 'getting real' with anyone that I am associated with now. That's going to be the hardest part.
I am just hoping that in the meanwhile this blog will help. I may not have the best opinions or the most rational paths in life, but they are what I think and choose, and getting them out on a readable format is at least something.
Anyway, today was a bit different and I spent it getting out and doing things. I even worked in my yard .. but just a little bit. But hey ... it's progress!!
I also pulled the plug on my mother keeping my truck. Needless to say that it's back in my driveway along with the dog food that they falsely promised to move. But, I'll get to that in a minute ...
In the midst of my running around, I was able to continue my efforts on thinking about things and guess what, I'm going to include some of them here.
1. I was thinking about relationships and why so many of them are filled with problems. I'll be as general as possible, but I'll use some recent episodes as examples.
The first instance is how instead of fixing the marriage in its entirety, people think that by cutting something out it will be a quick fix. However, they fail to remember that this 'new part' caused problems to begin with, and if it's honestly an important piece to them, they should learn to find a way to mix in all the qualities, instead of leaving an ingredient out of the picture.
Here's a generalized example. In my years of being single and uncommitted, I've witnessed many friends choose a different road leading to marriage and possibly children. When making this choice, at one time or another, they 'cut out' their single friends altogether in an effort to fix their marriage. Sometimes they don't cut them out completely, but they're so busy 'tip-toeing around' their marriage that they shove that part in a corner for what starts out being a few months and turns into something permanent. This typically happens when there is a push pull in the marriage between someone torn between being a husband / wife and being a friend / somewhat independent individual.
Why does this make sense? Well, to me, it does not. A marriage should be a mixing of 'my life,' 'your life,' and 'our life.' By not learning the right way to mix the batter and instead leaving things out, you're not solving anything, but you're instead either tearing down relationships or getting into the same circle that got you in trouble to begin with. In the end, are you fixing anything?
Anyway, like I said, in my years of being single I've seen this same trend happen over and over again, and I've either been involved or known someone else that has gone through this. With that being said I have also realized that I'll NEVER take marital advice from someone who is married, because as an outsider I can attest that married people lose the logics more often than not, and give advice based on feelings instead of realities.
Now, for my second example. I went to my sister's house today and we talked about a marriage that we know of that is full of drama and bad karma.
Have you ever seen the movie "Enough" with Jennifer Lopez? Well this marriage reminds me of that. Someone is compromising trust, honesty, integrity, trust, security, love, and a real chance at a relationship .. for money. And all of this is done without a fight, without a price to pay, ... basically with no consequences.
While it's honestly none of my business .. I can't help but think of how foolish this is. Granted in the end the best choice may be to stay in the marriage, but that decision should come after discussions, consequences, and quite a bit of screaming (if I do say so myself). By not taking some sort of action, whatever that may be, it's almost like you're telling the spouse that if they do it again, there will be no consequences. So, when the problem resurfaces (I'm betting that it will), who's fault will it be that time around? I'm guessing it's the person who knew about it, had the chance to deal with it, and chose not to for the wrong reasons.
Ok ... enough of that ...
2. Now, to the concept of family.
A lot of people don't understand what it's like to be an adult, a single adult, and live in society today. Trust me, I think it's a great choice for me and I enjoy the benefits of living a single and family free life, but it has it's downfalls, as does everything.
For one, I hate how your family takes you for granted. As many times as I can scream about the subject (I guess it's more like a gentle reminder), my family has, and always will, completely taken me for granted and hold little regard for my life, the events of it, and my needs that go unfulfilled. Two years ago I went on vacation with my mother for a week. Just the two of us. The whole week she talked about Mike-this, Mike-that .. not once did she ever ask what I was doing, how I was, or honestly any personal detail. They assume that my life is either uneventful or insignificant .. or is it that they are so consumed with their 'new life' that the old family has gotten lost in translation. I think that it's a little of both.
Now, I'm not bitching about it, don't get me wrong .. it's been going on for too long for me to still be upset about it. I've learned to deal with it and to rely on others as my emotional support; others who want to play that role. I think that as adults our relationships evolve, and where we got something out of the relationship before, we may have to go somewhere else to find it now. As an example, I was close to my mother, very close, for years. But one day she met her husband Mike, and like my father, she has put so much focus on her new relationship that she's assumed her kids are OK and they don't need her as much anymore. Instead of having one big family, they now have the old and the new. We are of course the old family.
With all that being said, the hardest part about being single is finding a good, steady support system, that won't walk out for better opportunities. You learn to rely on yourself a lot and you learn to process emotions internally, because you get tired of searching for a caring ear. At the same time, and over the years, I have slowly built up this huge wall around myself, and I've gotten so bad that my friends say I have the 'emotions of a man' and that nothing bothers me. I guess I've learned that some things are not worth getting upset about, and even if I were to get upset, I have limited outlets so what will I really accomplish in the end??
It's like the deal with my truck. They had my truck for 6 weeks ... I let them keep it one more week under one condition. She said well Mike got busy ... you know that's fine and all but I think it boils down lack of consideration or lack of respect. I am going out of my way to help you all and you have such little regard for me, my things, my feelings, and my life that you can't do one small favor in return for the HUGE favor I'm doing for you? Of course, that 'relationship' that I have with them is far more complex than that, but you get the point on this recent event.
Anyway part of my 'growing' is going to be me making an attempt to tear down this 100 foot high wall that built up around me. My friends may honestly know about 20% of the real me ... they know little details of my life and no details of my feelings or things that are weighing on my mind. I have no idea how I'm going to do this, because to be honest, I've been closed up for so long that I'm not comfortable 'getting real' with anyone that I am associated with now. That's going to be the hardest part.
I am just hoping that in the meanwhile this blog will help. I may not have the best opinions or the most rational paths in life, but they are what I think and choose, and getting them out on a readable format is at least something.
