Random Thoughts

Well, this week has been a bit of a random week, so I'm going to ramble on about a little bit of anything and everything.

1. This is, I guess, like part 2 of the finale weeks. AI and Lost came to an end, of course on the same night.

For American Idol I was glad to see Jordin win. I did not vote because I really loved both of the finalists, but I personally think that Jordin fits more of the Idol 'mold' and by not winning, Blake can put out the kind of music that he wants to.

So, I was up until after midnight trying to watch Lost after the result of the AI season finale. Can I say this ... OMG ... to Lost!!! This season I've been completely UN-impressed with the finales for the shows. COMPLETELY! Well, Lost just completely BLEW me out of my seat .. I about freakin died when it ended. So, on that note I google for some gossip about the show. Here's what I find out ... the show is ending in 2010 and until then it's not only going to be 16 consective episodes a season, and now it's only running from February - May. You mean I have to wait until FEBRUARY to find out what happens next? You HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!!


2. Here's some background info for my next bit .... Josie passed away in December. After that time I had decided that I was going to try and have it be just Archie and me for a while. That did not work because Archie got horribly depressed and after trying everything I could, I caved and starting looking around for another dog. I found Nina, who was completely adorable. She was at Animal Care and had just had puppies there and still needed to be spayed. Loved her and I applied to bring her home. So they do all the tests on her, now that she's weened the puppies from her and they find out she had a severe case of heartworm. So, regardless I wanted to bring her home because once treated you just have to keep them on heartworm preventative, which was going to happed regardless. Because of the treatment I needed to wait six months, until this July, to have her spayed.

So ... she's on the rag and it's driving me crazy!! I forgot that she'd probably go in heat within a 6 month period, but I never had to worry about that with Josie and Maggie because it had been a long time since they were fixed. So, she's all clingy and emotional, and I'm all paranoid that she's going to get out of the yard and get herself knocked up. Not a fun thing to go through but I'm 'hoping' to find time to make acall and find out how much longer of the 'fun' I have to go through before she's out of heat.


3. Buying property .. within the past six months or so, I've had random conversations with people about buying property, acres, subdividing it / selling it, and everyone building houses and living close to each other. Well on Mother's Day my sister is going on a tangent about the same idea ...talking about buying property, what we'd name the streets, and so on. Ok .. right? Well anyway my mother calls me today and started talking about the whole buying property and having the family move in our own 'mini' neighborhood. Apparently they were not just 'having conversation' but they were really talking about it. So, my other sister has been looking on the internet for land trying to see where all we could move to and they're talking about maybe doing something in the next year or so ... crazy!!

So .. if that happens, I guess I need to decide two things: (A) am I staying in Louisville? (B) am I just going to stay in my house here for right now and not move before that whole concept happens? I know, the idea of living in the vicinity of your relatives sounds INSANE, but they're talking about getting 20+ acres, and separating the houses where we'd be close, but not that close to each. Plus I'm thinking that my mother and I could combine resources and create one hell of a day lily garden ... between her lilies and mine we have hundreds of them!!

So, now that I've learned they're actually serious about the whole concept, I may think about it some, but of course not think hard into it since it's still in it's conceptual design. Here's the deal though .. if I do this, then it's probably under the assumption that I'd build a house there and stay there without moving again. So if I did something like that, I'd have to build a house that I'd be willing and capable of living in for years to come.

Ok .. to much thinking on that subject!!


4. Because of the finales and the fact that AI was two hours on Tuesday, I have not gone to the gym since Monday night. I feel weird and off track, but at the same time Angie and I have gone walking during our hour lunch every day. With that being said, I think it's actually harder to walk that our hour than it is to get on the treadmill for a hour. Granted I've not been able to use the weights for the past few days, but in general, that walking is exhausting!! It reminds me of exactly how much I hate hot weather because I come back half dead from the heat and humidity. Anyway I did not go again tonight because I had a few things going on, and even though we're walking about every day, I'm still intending on getting back to the air conditioned gym tomorrow night.


Ok .. that's enough for the moment. I'm going to read my highly addictive book for a bit before going to bed .. I'll touch base later.

Ever Growing / Ever Evolving

Well, this weekend has been relatively laid back, for the most part. Since I spent Friday either in class or traveling, it seemed to really take the life out of me on Saturday. Needless to say I pretty much wasted away on that day, after doing the bare essentials.

Anyway, today was a bit different and I spent it getting out and doing things. I even worked in my yard .. but just a little bit. But hey ... it's progress!!

I also pulled the plug on my mother keeping my truck. Needless to say that it's back in my driveway along with the dog food that they falsely promised to move. But, I'll get to that in a minute ...

In the midst of my running around, I was able to continue my efforts on thinking about things and guess what, I'm going to include some of them here.

1. I was thinking about relationships and why so many of them are filled with problems. I'll be as general as possible, but I'll use some recent episodes as examples.

The first instance is how instead of fixing the marriage in its entirety, people think that by cutting something out it will be a quick fix. However, they fail to remember that this 'new part' caused problems to begin with, and if it's honestly an important piece to them, they should learn to find a way to mix in all the qualities, instead of leaving an ingredient out of the picture.

Here's a generalized example. In my years of being single and uncommitted, I've witnessed many friends choose a different road leading to marriage and possibly children. When making this choice, at one time or another, they 'cut out' their single friends altogether in an effort to fix their marriage. Sometimes they don't cut them out completely, but they're so busy 'tip-toeing around' their marriage that they shove that part in a corner for what starts out being a few months and turns into something permanent. This typically happens when there is a push pull in the marriage between someone torn between being a husband / wife and being a friend / somewhat independent individual.

Why does this make sense? Well, to me, it does not. A marriage should be a mixing of 'my life,' 'your life,' and 'our life.' By not learning the right way to mix the batter and instead leaving things out, you're not solving anything, but you're instead either tearing down relationships or getting into the same circle that got you in trouble to begin with. In the end, are you fixing anything?

Anyway, like I said, in my years of being single I've seen this same trend happen over and over again, and I've either been involved or known someone else that has gone through this. With that being said I have also realized that I'll NEVER take marital advice from someone who is married, because as an outsider I can attest that married people lose the logics more often than not, and give advice based on feelings instead of realities.

Now, for my second example. I went to my sister's house today and we talked about a marriage that we know of that is full of drama and bad karma.

Have you ever seen the movie "Enough" with Jennifer Lopez? Well this marriage reminds me of that. Someone is compromising trust, honesty, integrity, trust, security, love, and a real chance at a relationship .. for money. And all of this is done without a fight, without a price to pay, ... basically with no consequences.

While it's honestly none of my business .. I can't help but think of how foolish this is. Granted in the end the best choice may be to stay in the marriage, but that decision should come after discussions, consequences, and quite a bit of screaming (if I do say so myself). By not taking some sort of action, whatever that may be, it's almost like you're telling the spouse that if they do it again, there will be no consequences. So, when the problem resurfaces (I'm betting that it will), who's fault will it be that time around? I'm guessing it's the person who knew about it, had the chance to deal with it, and chose not to for the wrong reasons.



Ok ... enough of that ...

2. Now, to the concept of family.

A lot of people don't understand what it's like to be an adult, a single adult, and live in society today. Trust me, I think it's a great choice for me and I enjoy the benefits of living a single and family free life, but it has it's downfalls, as does everything.

For one, I hate how your family takes you for granted. As many times as I can scream about the subject (I guess it's more like a gentle reminder), my family has, and always will, completely taken me for granted and hold little regard for my life, the events of it, and my needs that go unfulfilled. Two years ago I went on vacation with my mother for a week. Just the two of us. The whole week she talked about Mike-this, Mike-that .. not once did she ever ask what I was doing, how I was, or honestly any personal detail. They assume that my life is either uneventful or insignificant .. or is it that they are so consumed with their 'new life' that the old family has gotten lost in translation. I think that it's a little of both.

Now, I'm not bitching about it, don't get me wrong .. it's been going on for too long for me to still be upset about it. I've learned to deal with it and to rely on others as my emotional support; others who want to play that role. I think that as adults our relationships evolve, and where we got something out of the relationship before, we may have to go somewhere else to find it now. As an example, I was close to my mother, very close, for years. But one day she met her husband Mike, and like my father, she has put so much focus on her new relationship that she's assumed her kids are OK and they don't need her as much anymore. Instead of having one big family, they now have the old and the new. We are of course the old family.

With all that being said, the hardest part about being single is finding a good, steady support system, that won't walk out for better opportunities. You learn to rely on yourself a lot and you learn to process emotions internally, because you get tired of searching for a caring ear. At the same time, and over the years, I have slowly built up this huge wall around myself, and I've gotten so bad that my friends say I have the 'emotions of a man' and that nothing bothers me. I guess I've learned that some things are not worth getting upset about, and even if I were to get upset, I have limited outlets so what will I really accomplish in the end??

It's like the deal with my truck. They had my truck for 6 weeks ... I let them keep it one more week under one condition. She said well Mike got busy ... you know that's fine and all but I think it boils down lack of consideration or lack of respect. I am going out of my way to help you all and you have such little regard for me, my things, my feelings, and my life that you can't do one small favor in return for the HUGE favor I'm doing for you? Of course, that 'relationship' that I have with them is far more complex than that, but you get the point on this recent event.

Anyway part of my 'growing' is going to be me making an attempt to tear down this 100 foot high wall that built up around me. My friends may honestly know about 20% of the real me ... they know little details of my life and no details of my feelings or things that are weighing on my mind. I have no idea how I'm going to do this, because to be honest, I've been closed up for so long that I'm not comfortable 'getting real' with anyone that I am associated with now. That's going to be the hardest part.

I am just hoping that in the meanwhile this blog will help. I may not have the best opinions or the most rational paths in life, but they are what I think and choose, and getting them out on a readable format is at least something.

A Very Irritated Red Head

Ok .. here's my gripe for the day ...

I went out of town for two days. In that two days, everyone I know made plans / went to see Shrek 3 and no one asked me about going! .. I'm SOOOO irritated by this .. but to heck with them all, I'm going to go see it by myself although I'm sure there are a few others that are wanting to go.

I just get mad at times but I, more often than not, spend so much energy thinking about other people that I put my own needs behind that. So, I need to quit doing that I think because more often than not, I'm caring so much and not getting it back in return. Silly me...

Plus, between this and my out of town experience, I've realized that I need to quit hanging out with married people so much and I need to find 'my own kind.' I think that there's a reason why there's a separation between singles and married people ... and it probably has something to do with time, priorities, responsibilities, etc. While in some cases those differences are negligible, there are times when they come into play. I think it's become a factor for me, my happiness, and my ability to live and move on with my life.


On another note .. my mother and her husband have been borrowing my truck for well over a month (since about the 5th of April I believe if not sooner). They WON'T give it back to me and it's getting old. I asked for it back last weekend so I could take dog food to one of the local animal shelters and while she promised, they did not.

So, as a compromise, and since I was going out of town, I told them that they needed to pick up the food in my absence and take it to the shelter for me.

I get home ... the food is, of course still there. And it's too much to take in my Rav (it's like 12 40 pound bags). So .. now I'm irritated because the whole time I've been putting off my plans trying to be nice and that apparently goes unappreciated.

So ... I'm getting my damn truck back tomorrow!!

Anyway .. in a nutshell .. my mother had mentioned buying my truck from me. Honestly, I rarely drive it now since I have my Rav. I had actually considered doing so and then my sister Jen tried to 'sneak' behind my mother's back and offer to buy it from me... which I thought was kinda dirty to be honest but it caused a big ordeal in the end that I should not have had to get into the middle of.

So, they're fighting over my truck, which had me second guessing selling it to begin with. Now, to top it off, the fact that my mother and Mike are not giving it back to me makes me realize even more that I'm not going to sell it. Although they have promised I can use it whenever I want to, do I think that's honestly going to happen?? Hell no, because I still own it and can't get it back in my driveway for nothing.

Of course, it's partly my fault for letting this go on ... I should have put my foot down by now. But in all honestly, I've had no screaming need for it, so I was trying to be 'family' and help them out. Well ... so much for them being family back and having respect for the owner. Needless to say, I'm going to call them tomorrow, point out the fact that the dog food has gone untouched, and have to get rude about it to get my truck back. Regardless, it's my truck, I've been ridiculously generous in letting them use it, and more importantly this food has been going bad sitting outside because I can't get my damn truck back.

Where I'm trying to do a good thing here, they're ruining it by being stingy with something they have no right to..

Can you tell I'm annoyed??

A Happened Adventure

So .. here's the story .. in a nutshell...

It started last August that I went into my photographer's 'block' and life just stopped looking as exciting as it used to. Then, in December, I had about 100+ moments where I wanted to throw my camera through the window, but luckily I did not.

So, I won't lie, I am still in the same mopey depressive photographer's block, but I've been kinda improvising it.

I went to San Fran in April and then there was all the Derby events at the end of April / first of May. Outside of that, I have not really gotten out much. I don't even take my camera everywhere with me like I used to. But, I believe that there are some things that need to work themselves out. Time heals all wounds and I guess mine is not quite there yet.

Anyway, I had decided today that for a change, I'd take my camera out with me and try and look for something to photograph. I was waiting to meet up with my mother and starting driving around teh local area. I happened upon the most beautiful scenery.

So, after we all had supper, my mother, my sister, my niece, and I went back to this spot I found and I took photos of them all for mother's day. Between doing that and everything else that was there, I left and my photos were down in the single digits. I was amazed!! I guess it's at least something :o)



On another note, I've made a 'big' decision for me ... when I go to Syracuse, I'm leaving the D50 at home and only taking the D1X .. I'm going to be out in the middle of the wind farm having a panic attack!!!!! AAAWW!!

Preparing to Travel

Over time I've become one of those people who just love to travel .. of course with it's limitations. I think that my cameras have really taught me an appreciation for life and every chance I can get, I'm wanting to see new places and just take it all in. If only I had the same appreciation for my home city ... well that's besides the point!!

Anyway, work is sending me out of town for a few days for training in CAD. I know AutoCad, but we use more advanced versions of the software than my last employer. Corradino only had AutoCad and OBG has Map 3D, Land Desktop, and Civil 3D .. all programs that are AutoCad plus more features, and all programs that I get to learn over time :o) Well, so far the only program I have really touched on my own is Map 3D. See, they all do the same things that AutoCad does, which is great, but then there are all kinds of bells and whistles added on top of it. Of course, I'm a big GIS fanatic so I've been diving in, and loving Map 3D. Lucky for me this training class that I'm about to go to is actually going to be on Map 3D, so I'm anxious to see what else the program can do.

Ok .. I'm rambling ...

Anyway, when I go I'll actually be going to our main office in Syracuse, NY. I've never been in the New England states before, I think the furthest in that direction I've gone would be DC. So, I'm excited about it.

At first I thought that the class was going to be held mid-week and so I scheduled the flight out ASAP so I would not be dragging the next morning. Then I find out, after the fact that it's mid week and now I'm bummed because instead of killing myself to catch the flight out in time, I could have waited until the next day and taken a detour to Niagara Falls.

Oh well.. I'll be going up there again for the other training classes so I'll just plan to do that for the next trip :o)

Anyway, so I've sat on the internet for hours looking around to see what, if anything, is up there. Well, so far there's not much in Syracuse, but lucky for me they have a lot of things that I've either never seen or really catch my interest.

Here's my list of options so far .. the class runs until 4pm and the sun sets at 8:23 ish .. so I am guessing that I run after work then I have about 3.5 hours of good light and time to take in some sights. Plus, I'm trying to stay within an hour away from Syracuse, knowing I have to work the next morning and then fly out. Although I am thinking about pushing my flight back, just so I'm not killing myself on that Friday night to get home. Then maybe I could visit more sites locally instead :o)

Here's what I'm looking at:

Option 1:
(1) Chittenango Falls in Fenner, NY ( ~ 30 minutes from where I'm at)
(2) Fenner Wind Farm in Fenner, NY (within the vicinity at around 3 miles into Fenner / from what I read you can actually see these from the Eastern sides of East Syracuse and so I'm guessing I won't have to drive far to see these)
(3) Pratt's Falls (~ 30 minutes from Chittenango Falls)
.. then maybe hang out at Onondaga or Oneida Lake the rest of the evening.

Option 2:
(1) Beaver Lake Nature Center (~ 50 minutes)
(2) Derby Hill Bird Sanctuary (within the vicinity)
.. then 50 minutes back, possibly stop by the Onondaga Lake

Option 3:
(1) Clark Reservation State Park (~ 15 minutes)
(2) Chittenango Falls (~40 minutes)
(3) Fenner Wind Farm (within the vicinity)
.. then to a lake or something

Ok ... I'm leaning towards seeing the Chittenango Falls and then seeing the Fenner Wind Farm .. I have never seen a wind farm outside of flying overhead in an airplane.. This one is not huge, but it's something. But I'm debating on going to either the reservation or another falls... I'm thinking resevation.

Here's the downfall. Right now, Derby Hill is in prime time for raptors migrating to the area ... I almost want to see that!! But ... I won't make it during prime hours unless I did not leave until Saturday.

AAAWWW!! What I need to do is push my flight back, and then it will all be perfect :o)

Beginnings

Within the past couple of months I've had a personal revelation. I am not where I want to be and I was ready to make some changes.

Since then, I've done an overhaul in many different areas trying to 'improve' myself, physically, emotionally, routinely, and in every other way that I want to see changes. It won't be easy, but for the first time in my life, I think I'm really ready to change, and I know that I'm doing it for the right reasons.

The bad thing is that the older I've gotten and the longer I've stayed in my routines, the more comfortable I've gotten in them, and the less willing I've become to change things.

The hardest part for me, which will come down the road, is opening up to other people and, in addition, letting people in. I've always had the mentality that if I don't show emotions, I'm less vulnerable to have those emotions taken advantage of. But I've learned that, at the end of the day, getting to know people and letting people see the real you is worth the risk of having your feelings stepped on. I've also lived under the assumption that when things get personal, then drama is soon to follow. While in some cases that is true, I am confident that there are more people out there like me, who can be mature adults that can co-exist and be happy, while dealing with the complications of life in a more productive manner (to put in nicely).

So .. here's to new beginnings. And here's to setting goals and achieving them. I hope to hit milestones in my journey to the person I want to be.

A Blunt Taste of Reality

So far all is 'normal' in the household. I've gotten into a great routine and so far, amazingly enough I'm sticking to it, even though most of the time I find myself going at it alone. I did however run into another 'gym mate' while at the gym, but she was heading out the door at the time.

So, here's my brutal reality... I've been going to the gym for 5 weeks ... about 3-4 times a weeks. I spent a total of an hour-ish on the weights and then another hour on the treadmill. And when on the treadmill, I'm at least walking very fast, if not jogging. I've completely fixed my eating problem .. it was not necessarily that I was eating bad, but I'd only eat like once a day or something. That is now fixed and I'm eating these little mini-meals all the time ... it's killing me because I'm always hungry.

In 5 weeks ... I've lost ... two pounds. LMAO!!???

Yea I know .. muscle weighs more than fat and I'd rather lose size than weight .. but come on!!!

I've since decided not to touch the scale until further notice because that was a COMPLETE buzzkill. I guess I'm going to check my BMI tomorrow, but I was so bummed that I could not bear to see if that was just as disappointing or not.


Anyway ... kinda along the same lines .. but I had an awakening today that is probably contributing to my disappointment. It dawned on me that I have hypothyroidism ... no wonder I am slow to get started!

Actually, I've gone to the doctor, had blood work done at least twice that I can recall, and have been formally diagnosed with it. ... So I'm not just self-diagnosing myself .. lol. Anyway I was on medicine for that, I had like a 6 month prescription and then I was supposed to go back for more bloodwork. Well guess what? Work of course was busy and they were asses about me taking time to go to the doctor. So .. I never went and just decided to stop taking the medicine. You know how that goes ...

I'll admit .. I'm lazy!!

Anyway I remembered that today because the area that my thyroid is in was 'sore' today .. I don't know how to describe it, but I could feel that it was there all day. Then, I remembered about the hypothyroidism, and so when I got the disappointing weight result I figured that may have something to do with it.

So .. I've looked on the internet for vitamins or something that may naturally help the cause, instead of going through the hoop-lah of going to the doctor and getting blood drawn (OUCH!). Then, I went and talked to the Pharmacist about it. The end result .. apparently I'm going back to the doctor....

Well, if anything, maybe getting that in balance, in conjunction with everything else may further help the cause... here's to hoping!!

Check out the Museum Plaza Design

http://www.museumplaza.net/

Ok ... I do like the idea of building something cutting edge and modern in Louisville. It will not only bring attention, but hopefully tourism and business afterwards .. which will hopefully lead to further development.

But ... man I just don't know about this building design .... plus, they have it off to the side from the cityscape ... making it stick out like a sore thumb even further!!!

It's going up a block and a half away from where I work .. so I get to watch this 'fabulous' modern design from start to finish. I just hope that it looks better in the end that the photos do ...

Working on a New Start

Ok .. so hopefully this is a new start. New start ... I wonder how many times those two words, as a combination, have been used and abused. Well I'm hoping that this will be the last instance for me!!

I'm 31 years old ... WOW! No more playing games, eh?

I had a personal awakening while in the McDonalds drive thru last night. I had just left the gym and was in line ordering a fruit salad on my way home. Anyway, the people in front of me were placing your typical order ... Double Cheeseburgers, Big Macs, fries, and so on. When I heard them order their food and I thought to myself .. I'm sick of fighting a war that I've wagered against myself!!

I'm sitting here, day in and day out, going to the gym in an effort to give myself the opportunities that I deserve, to be energetic, healthy, and so on. There is no way, after having spent the past two hours at the gym, that I'm going to order food that is completely undoing everything I've just killed myself over. No way!!!

I've been eating better for a while now, but it's been an 'effort' to eat healthy and to not splurge. After sitting in that line .. I think the effort is gone. I don't want crap anymore.

This world is hard enough on all of us when we have every opportunity to do the right thing. Knowing that it's already a fight, why am I knowingly and intentionally making it harder on myself? How am I to ever win if I don't give myself an honest chance to succeed?

So ... it's not a diet / gym thing .. it's just a long overdue positive change that I need .. and more importantly, WANT.

The Arena .. Finally!

This was definitely something that had me smiling today!!

Last week, an email was passed around locally, talking about road closures to allow for the construction of the new Louisville Arena.

Ok .. let me back up for a second ... I am a GUNG HO DIE HARD Louisville Cardinals Mens' Basketball fan. There's no other sport out there like it .. I live and breathe Cardinal red .. I'll admit it :O)

I have had season tickets to Freedom Hall for three years now for the games. However, I've gotten the tickets either from buying them from a stranger off the internet, or getting them because someone else had the chance at upgraded seats. Let me clarify that, I've gone to the games for three years now, but I've never had season tickets in my name before. I was always told that getting season tickets was like an urban myth; someone had to die before that would happen!!

Anyway, a couple of months ago, I get the incredible phone call. It's the UofL ticket office offering me a dream wrapped in Red and Black .. a chance at season tickets of my very own :o) I wanted to cry .. but you don't cry over anything related to mens' sports .. lol. I, of course, jumped all over it, knowing that by having season tickets now, I'll have better seats in the new arena than the people who jumped on the bandwagon after me. .. Or so I hope!!

Ok ... so now the new arena is being built. For die hard fans like me, the basketball arena is a place that you want to walk into and cry with overwhelming joy. It's the heart and soul of the life I live from November through March. It's by far my favorite time of the year!!

Here is the 'authority' over building the arena. How I love those people!!

So for now, I'll just routinely keep an eye on it, in hopes of it's opening, soon, but never soon enough. I hope that once it's open we'll have the opportunity to host NCAA tourney games again .. that would be a blessing in itself!!