A Three Month Update

It's amazing what a little bit of sleep can do for a person's mood .. I had no idea!! I feel like a new girl .. well a new old person .. hahaha!!

So .. oddly enough, my sister FINALLY got to go home tonight. In a nutshell all they were doing was keeping her in the hospital medicating her and so they decided that she could do the same thing at home. Plus, I'm betting if I wanted to get better and I was her, it would be easier to do in my condo, in the presence of my hubby and dogs.

So .. of course it was the perfect reason to come home and go straight to bed!! It's a great thing that I went to the gym this morning because I had nothing else planned besides going to the hospital and another load of laundry (which is running now).


So .. I feel great .. all that tension from coworker seems non-existent, Granted the problems still need to be solved, but I enjoy the 98% of my life that is stress - free. That build up of no sleep, no time, coworker screw up, ... is not fun to get stressed over. I guess if I can contain it until I can 'release' it, then it's not worth doing otherwise, but of course sometimes that's probably hard to near impossible. Blah blah, right? Dang can this chic run her mouth, eh?!




Aside from my throwing random photos up on my flickr page, I have not had time to look around Not at work, not at home. Being in my horrid horrid photo slump I decided to look through my own stream for a change, in a desperate attempt to inspire myself since I have yet to find it any other way. In the process I come across this photo:

which leads me to the corresponding blog by yours truly.

So .. it's been about three months, maybe it's a sign that I need to regroup and see how I'm doing on everything I want to. Yea, I know, I should have posted goals or something, but seriously I ramble too much as it is ... I'm guessing it's a blessing in disguise :o)

Well maybe I'll set some now so I can kick myself in three more months.


Overall Goals (I may add to this as I think of more):

1. Get in shape. By saying this my intention was never to go on a diet and lost weight. Instead I want to (A) eat much better than I was eating in May and (B) get myself into a habit of going to the gym in order to get in shape and stay somewhat ahead of this whole aging game.

2. Start making an attempt to open up to people. This has to be one of my biggest flaws I think. At first, when I started doing it I enjoyed the privacy and the comfort in knowing that is a personal crisis I could hold it together pretty well. Then, it became a pride thing and when people would start to bring up the topic of my personal life, I'd get all uncomfortable and such. My goal is to try and start chipping down that wall and see what's behind it. I've written off a lot of things that were once personal goals because I thought that I had evolved into a person with different wants and needs, but before I commit to that I just want to be sure. Plus, this whole closed up think can't be that healthy.

3. Finish my Master's Degree. I am dreading going back to school. I have this theory that why do I need it when I have the job and am getting paid pretty well. But my company wants me to have it and the progression scale is a bit faster with one in my back pocket. Also, I am eligible to test for my PE (professional engineer's license) next year so this may be a good way to prep for that.

4. Stop being so lazy when it comes to my house. If I could I'd hire a maid, a cook, and gardener, you name it. I hate doing chores!

5. Find peace in regards to some of my personal demons and work on feeling better about me. Ok this is vague but I can't really be too specific without boring someone, including myself. We all have loose ends, quirks, bad habits, etc. and I just wanted to clean some of them up.

6. Become more committed to things. I'm bad about letting things slide that aren't a super priority to me. Here's a good example .. my yard. I could cut it one weekend so that it stays nice, short, and clean looking, but it's not that tall so why not wait another day or two. Then, it's the middle of the week, 6 in the evening, hot as sin, and I'm outside killing myself because I can't commit to cutting the yard consistently. Stop doing that!!!!!!!!



Ok .. I'll add more later.



How am I doing??

1. Get in shape. So far I'm running with this goal... literally. I had about a week slump where I only went once that week, but outside of that it's been consistent. I hired a trainer to make sure that when I try and quit going to the gym I have a reason to keep. Granted it's not the cheapest thing in the world, but at my 'weak' moment that is probably exactly what kept me from bailing. So at least I'm not paying for a membership that I don't use! I'm now going to start going to the gym in the morning before work to see if I can handle that. After today, having this whole evening open is really something I could get used to. I am also walking / running on alternate days during my lunch, when everyone is healthy and when it's 101 degrees outside. So far I've made milestones, but I still have more I want to do.

2. Start making an attempt to open up to people. Probably not doing so good here. I have started talking to friends that I'm comfortable with, so give me some credit for that. I've become more honest with myself and things that are going on instead of just pushing them off. That's been interesting as I've learned things about myself and my friends that I never saw before. Still .. I pretty much suck at this. I guess I open up to people on a case by case basis, but for me, it's easier to open to a 'new' person because they don't already know everything about me and it's nice to build on a clean slate. It's hard to go backward without hitting a bunch of bumps along the way.

3. Finish my Master's Degree. This has been on my work calendar as a reminder for a month now, but I have at least talked to my boss about the tuition reimbursement. However that is not going to get me enrolled so I need to get on this. If not, I pretty much have to wait another year in order to get back into the class rotation.

4. Stop being so lazy when it comes to my house. Yep .. I suck at this. However, I find a boy down the street that wants to cut my grass for me whenever the temperature cools down and we get out of this drought :o) .. so even though I'm not doing it myself, I'm getting it taken care of. I don't know if I'll even cook in my house .. it's not worth cooking for one, but I need to work on my house so that I can one day sell it and move elsewhere. We'll check back in a few more months and see how hard I need to kick myself over this one.

5. Find peace in regards to some of my personal demons and work on feeling better about me. I've done a few things here ... I've started spending more time with the people that I feel better around and have more fun with. I guess they're closer friends anyway for that reason. Also I have revisited with friends and exes of the past to see how they're doing. There are people that were in my life in the past that I care about and like to stay in touch with. I've gotten in touch with quite a few of them actually, which has been good for the most part. The hard part is revisiting the exes and saying no when they try and start something again. That I've had to do a few times now but it's nice to know they're still interested. I've been sucking at making more time for me, but I think that will only change when I have reason enough to put my foot down, as far as I have something else that is a priority or I hit my breaking point in starving myself for some 'me' time.


6. Become more committed to things. I am not doing so good here either and I think that started out with easy commitments is what will give me the courage to commit on a more serious level. I'm committed to the easy things that require little extended effort on my part, my job, the dogs, IMPS which is the rescue I work with the most, my family, trying to further develop my career. However, I am dodging all the big things, or at least those 'bigger' steps that I really want and need to take. However, I am pretty committed to not only the gym but getting in shape on my own (as I'm running on my lunch hour) so I guess that's something in itself, right?


So .. in three months, I've made progress in some areas and I'm still sucking in others. While it sucks exercising so much I enjoy the feeling afterwards and I like seeing the results slowly appear. I think that as that progresses further the rest will probably fall into place or at least make progress in that direction, because I'm guessing my mood will improve even more so that things will be easier to get into.


I need to add a new goal .. quit rambling so dang much!!

A Rough Week / Month / Whatever

Ok .. here's my gripe of the day... get ready.

First, let me prelude this by emphasizing how terrible of a couple of weeks that I've been having. My sister, Jen, has been in the hospital for a week now so I've been visiting her every night about 4 hours or longer. I've been working my tail off on these two projects and it's wearing me down quickly. I haven't been getting any sleep because of the two above and I'm sadly, slowly adjusting to life on little sleep, which does not feel good. I've been working through lunch most days just trying to make room for everything in my life, so I haven't been eating as much or as often, and with the lack of sleep it's making me eat even less; that is killing me because that is the LAST goal I have in life and it's completely defeating the purpose of me going to the gym trying to build muscle and tone up. Then, as far as work goes, we have a 'leash' on our computers that I HATE WITH THE PASSION!! I need things and can do so much more but I have to ask permission, when I am supposed to be a working professional... OMG is that a BAD subject to bring up with me, especially after you read my latest tragedy below.


Ok ... so I work primarily on a hydraulic modeling project. We're updating the existing model, and at the same time we're converting it from a program called XPSWMM, through GIS, and into a program called InfoWorks. It sounds all complicated and that's probably because it is. Sooo many things that we have to do, and we've barely started it seems. Anyway ... in the process we have a coworker digitize for us these drainage areas, which are as they read, areas that are drawn throughout the county that are assumed to collect drainage towards a centralized point. Anyway, unimportant details. So, he draws them in, thousands of them, and assigns to them the data that we ask him to that he knows enough about to do. After that, I've been sitting here off and on for days now going through his work, making sure it all adds up, and if not, I'm fixing it and where data is missing, I'm filling it in.

Easy enough, right?

Ok .. so this 'genius' knows that I'm working / editting this shapefile, and I have been for days now. But, he decides that he's going to work on the project and he's going to edit the file as well, without asking us and without even telling us. So, he opens up an instance of it, before I start editting it, and he's making changes all day long. Remember that he did not bother to tell us what he was doing.

So .. I leave at 4 so I can go home and let the dogs out before going to the gym. After 4, he, of course, saves the file ..... completely overwrites the 8 hours worth of work that I just did. Since this happened in the middle of a work day retrieving a back up is of course not an option.

Lucky for him he called in sick yesterday because I wanted to kill him. I still want to kick him real real real real real real real real hard .. you get the point there but man I got caught up in the moment writing those out! But I resist and instead I have been sitting here, holding it in, trying to do the right thing and not let it get to me. So far so good because most people are completely unaware, but that's also why I'm having to write this now so I get it off my chest for the fifteenth time.

So anyway, after he completely wasted my time I've been since looking for a solution where I can basically put a childproof container on what he can 'screw up' in the future. Having a program called ArcInfo I 'would' have the ability to give user permissions through a virtual server, but this is where it gets even more annoying .. I don't have permission on my work computer to install this FREE Microsoft program. So, what NEEDS to happen ASAP, won't. WTF?

Here's my thing .. when the company loses money because they wouldn't give me the resources to protect the integrity of our data, whose fault is it going to be? Sure as heck not mine... but still, I care too much about my job and the work I put out to not get bothered when I can't do something that is important to the work we're doing, or for that matter when I can't do my job.

Ok .. can you tell I'm having a lovely week or two, or ten?

So, until we can get this resolved, we're making backup copies as a precautionary method, and I HATE having redundant GIS files .. because one day someone grabs the wrong file and changes it, then someone else changes the other one ... Now we have two files that are both correct yet both incorrect. Then, I have to clean up the mess that I did not make to begin with .. grr!

This is where / why I get anal about duplicates, structures, procedures, documentation, you name it, because it's soooo easy to short cut things and take the easy route. However, once you've been on the receiving end, you make sure that it does not happen again because those 2 extra steps can save a huge headache down the road.

Anyway, I feel like throwing my computer out the window (or maybe at my coworker), bringing my own computer in here, and actually being able to do my job with hoop jumping all the time and asking IT permission to sneeze. I go through this installation mess all the time and it gets OLD. OLD!!!!!! It is the one and only thing that I HATE about where I work. The rest is great .. IT and their God complex, I HATE!

There are a couple of decent people in IT and I hope that one of them comes through for me and helps me do this. He's a former GIS person so he can emphasize with my drama here. If not, I don't know what we're going to do because now I can't just trust that he'll not screw it up or that he'll even use that thing they call comminication!!



So .. granted the incident from the other day made me mad .. I wish I would have known he was going to waste my time, because I would have taken advantage and just stayed home. But it's the combination of me being supremely tired, not having time to eat a 'decent meal,' being sore from going to the gym and from running so much, hating this leash on my computer, my sister being in the hospital not getting an ounce better than she was when she went in, me running around like absolute madness, etc ... you get the point. It's been a rough time for me and I am desperate for the days to increase to 36 hours .. soon! If not, I need some serious R&R .. please?!? I may cancel my entire weekend worth of running around and trying to get caught up on everything else, and instead opt to be absolutely worthless, in hopes that it will help me destress. If not, I think I'm going to be beating on my punching bag at home a bit more often because I have to get the stress out of my thoughts before it develops into physical stress and I get all moody and hostile... and actually give my work computer a toss after all!!

Ok .. I'm leaving work. I stayed late intentionally to gripe, because I don't want to take it out of the office with me either... hopefully tomorrow I will have forgotten again ... :o)

Am I Crazy??

Let's see, it's 11:48 and counting .. and I'm still up. That's not so bad except let's see .. I slept 2.5 hours Sunday night, 4 hours last night, and I have to get up at 5AM this coming morning so I can get to the gym by 5:30. ..

Not smart ...

And .. I still have laundry to do.

What an idiot!!!

To add to it, it's almost midnight and the outside temperature is STILL 95 degrees .. madness!

Things That I'm Really Bad At

Ok .. first a prelude...

This month I will be turning even older than dirt, which I am right now .. sigh .. and as a celebration towards that HORRID day, I've decided to take note of different things :oO

I shall add to this as I think of things .. but why not start on a good note .. ha ha

This is my attempt to unwind from the gym before heading back up to the hospital for the evening.




Things That I'm Really Bad At (in no particular order):

1. I am horrible at keeping any sort of an internet based commitment. .. LOL I may as well start out with one that hits close to home. I was actually pretty good about flickr until my current photography slump and hectic lifestyle. Other than that I am the queen of having 4,000,000 web sites that I can't keep up with consistently. Why not shut them down you ask? Well, that requires effort, which leads me to...

2. I have got to be the laziest person ever born!!! I was talking to my brother-in-law the other day about school and I begin to rehash the extent of my laziness. When I can get away with it I will do as little as possible, if anything at all. I sleep until 5 minutes past the absolute last second then I find myself running out the door in order to get to work on time. I'm now even worse as I'm putting my makeup on (what little I wear) in the car while I'm driving (yea that's real safe!). If I could get away with it I bet I'd sleep all day and all night on some days .. not because I'm sick but because I'm sooooo lazy!!! I save all my errands up and do them all at the same time, not because I'm being considerate of the environment, but because I'm lazy!! I did not sell my house last year like I planned on because I was too lazy to get it ready, pack up, and move... I just want to sell it as is and just start over, if that means I don't have to do any work!! I will write VB scripts and create macros for every possible thing I can not because I'm trying to be efficient, .. you get the point?!

3. I think I'm an absolute contradiction of myself. Ok this is better suited as being a list:

• I am so unbelievably lazy yet I work my tail off at the gym, running when it's 90 degrees out, etc.
• I am anally, psychotically, habitually organized at work, yet my home is organized so that only I can understand it ... OK I'll partly blame this on the fact that I need to move, but still it's true!
• My friends are open to me and talk about the problems to me, yet I stay closed up pretty tightly. OK .. this is a personality quirk I guess, but I just like keeping my feelings private.
  
• There are times when I won't shut up for the life of me and then other times where I won't say word. Am I introverted or extroverted ... make up your mind crazy red head?!!!
  
• I was a TERRIBLE student in college yet I'm considering trying to teach there. If I could get away with getting an A and only showing up 1/4 of the time, you can guarantee I did it. If I could get away with it, I did not go to class. I'm one of those people who suck at internet or independent courses!! Now, I'm considering trying to teach on a post high school level ... WTF! Well, to my defense, if the subjects in college were actually more interesting, I may have gone more often ... may be the key word here.
• I HATE typos, but I am the queen of typos!! We have internal messaging at work between all the offices and I am on there talking to this person or that person. I must send a typo in every other message. Then I sent it and I want to kick myself. Of course after that, I have to re-type the word correctly, as if they did not know what I meant to put. But the whole concept of me and my typos is sooo annoying!! Here are some typos I'm 'famous' for: jsut, gonig,
  
• Ok .. I'll add more lately .. I feel that I could turn this one things into a HUGE ramble, which leads to ...
  

4. Can I talk or what? It drives me crazy, but I can't just email with one line .. it's gotta be a darn book! I spend 20 minutes writing these novels to people. Whether it's me explaining something in GIS step by step (by step) to another person, or me just talking about gossip in email ... they all turn into complete novels. I apologize in emails constantly for not shutting up because I feel so bad to the people who are dumb enough to read them! I email my former coworker, Ram, all the time explaining how to do this, that, and the other in GIS and I always apologize and he makes a joke back saying he enjoys reading my novels. Novels ... yea Ram has a catalogue of them by now!

5. I suck at the whole dress code concept. Oh yea, I really really suck at this one!! Here's the BEST example ... sometime last summer I started my seasonal routine of wearing flip flops 24/7. Come fall it did not quite cool down enough so I just kept wearing them. Winter? Every day but one I think. Now, yep still every day. So at first I would wear them to work and change shoes when I got there. When I realized that while I was chained to my desk no one would notice either way, I stopped doing that so much. Now I walk in wearing them, walk around wearing them, and leave with them on still. However, just in case a visitor comes in I have three pair of shoes under my desk... :) Here's the deal .. I hate socks and I hate having sweaty feet, and I love flip flops, so even all of my dress shoes are basically flip flops on heels. Oh .. and I have somehow convinced myself that every UofL game day is permission to wear a UofL shirt to work. I did it at Corradino and I'm guessing I'll try and pull that one off at OBG :o)

6. I hate yardwork, housework, laundry, OK I am lazy lazy lazy when it comes to my house. I need a condo, because damn it's soo hard trying to do it all yourself. This is my official crying session ... I hate everything that comes with owning a home. I could get a roommate to help with the chores, but I hate roommates. I could compromise and get into a relationship with a good guy where he is kind enough to help me :o) ... HAHAHAHA ... those guys are about as rare as the panda bear so that won't work. So I whine and moan about it and do it as infrequent as I can get away with.

7. I'm ANAL ANAL ANAL about any computer I use. The start menus are clean and organized. At work, within the first two months of being there, I took over the GIS data, cleaned it out, and organized it. I have standards now for the others to learn from and follow, because I'm ANAL! I never have icons on my desktop because it looks so cluttery. Everything has to be perfect. It's annoying but I can't help it and I can't break the cycle!! With GIS, any maps I make have to be PERFECT .. everything is aligned by rulers and set up in the exact way they should be. It's soooo annoying that I can't just do it, but I have to be all perfect and crap about it. I'm a Virgo, what do you expect??

8. I am a bit of a gadget girl. This is going to be my last one for the moment, so I may as well tie it in with the post below it :o) ... I have so many electronics and know entirely too much about computers, different programs, etc. I stick my nose into everything I can. If they need someone to learn a new program, they just ask me because it's like I am a dog drooling waiting for the chance. I took over the local IT duties at work and I'm like everyone I knows tech support. It's sad, but I drool over this too :o)



Ok .. I need to go ... will 'attempt' to be back again soon.

A Complete Contradiction to the name Gadget Girl :o)

This is to prove that I'm not as gadgety as .. well .. I really am.

I tend to spend at least one day a weekend with my sister Becky and my niece. It's apparently becoming a ritual with us, involving food, hanging out, and playing the Wii. It's my fault .. I bought the Wii, they played it and had to have it. Now I have to go over there on the weekends to beat the boards they can't beat themselves.

Anyway, so Saturday the three of us were out from 8AM - 5PM .. we went lily shopping with my mother, ate unsafe McD's breakfast (I'll get to this story in a bit), went to Dick's Sporting Goods, Books a Million looking for chic books, then to Oxmoor visiting Von Maur, Old Navy, Limited, and Gap, then we did all of that and even made it to Best Buy before noon .. OMG!! I have a point to all of that unnecessary crap in a bit too .. ok maybe not today because it's late, but I'll try and clarify that later.


Ok .. so we're at Best Buy originally looking for a Nerf case for my DS Lite, because Melina dropped it one time and I all but openly cried. We of course end up looking at games for the DS and the Wii because I suck and have to buy more. In the process there's a couple in the aisle and we start talking to the guy about the Wii. I'm holding a USB dongle thinking wireless and the Wii at the same time when the guy points out to me that if I have wireless in my house then I don't need that ... I could have already hooked the Wii up before now.

What???

This is my big lesson .. read the dang users manual, or at least skim the pages you fool!!! I had no idea that I could have hooked it up, for some reason I assumed it was a hard line connection only. Whoops!!!

In the same token, he then makes me feel even more stupid by telling me that the DS can be used with WiFi too ... wow I wanted to kick myself.

Ok .. so I suck because after all of that running around we did Saturday before noon I did not even bother to get out of bed until 12:30 Sunday. What a waste of a perfectly good day, eh? Then, before going back to the hospital I was bound and determined to get the Wii hooked up to the net. Then, I was bound and determined to surf the net. Well dangit .. now I have it down to a science :o) .. and I wasted hald the day away in the process. But .. after all of the stress I've had lately, I really needed some decompressing and the weekend helped.

Ok .. now I'm completely off key...


A real quicky about McDonald's....

For a few months now I've been on a mission to get in shape and get ahead of Father Time as he's slowing my tired old self down. I've been killing myself trying to do this and I've been eating sooo good that I hear people ordering Big Macs and I want to gag. Well Saturday the daylily sale started at 8AM so we have time to kill before the other stores open and we went to McDonald's. I compromise and get the healthiest thing I can find at McD's, if that's possible, while Becky gets those Cinnamon Melts.

She talks about them all the time and how she eats them for every meal she can, so she insists I try one. Well, ok then. After that my niece has to have a bite or two as well. So .. a few minutes later, the cinnamon melts are gone and we're talking. I look down at the box that Becky just ate from ...

Discard after 6:37AM 8/1/2007

WTF???

The day we went to McDonald's ... that was 8/4/2007

I about died when I saw that. Then I remembered how I was stupid enough to sample one ...

So Becky takes the box up to the counter and the manager is dumbfounded. Of course we took a photo of the box and receipt as proof in case we died in our houses later that night.

We, of course, are still alive but that's not the point!!

That was the last straw, and one more HUGE reason why I've tossed out fast food. It's apparently mad that I've abandoned it's Greasy-ness after so many years of loyalty that it's now plotting to secretly take my life.

Ok .. that was stupid ... but what do you expect at midnight?


Anyway ... my life has been a chaotic nightmare as it stands. You know I always say it and no one ever believes me as far as how bad it gets.

So work has been killing me; all I am doing is working. Work work work. I use that excuse that I'm getting into everything I can right now in order to advance myself faster down the road... yea that's apparently a metaphor for I'm using work as an excuse to not work on other parts of my life that need tending too, including my yard .. lol. I work late, I come home and work some more. I dream about damn work ... AAAHH!!

Since I'm working so much I have not had time to go to the gym as often, but never fear, I'm crazy enough to go running in this close to triple digit weather. Am I trying to kill myself? Seems that way sometimes, but I'd rather do that than try and find the time to go to the gym and do it in A/C. Ok I take that back .. apparently I'm going for the uber-kill and I'm going to start going to the gym at 5:30AM so I have enough time to come home and get ready before going into work.

Now, to top it off, my baby sister has been in the hospital. She's been sick for about a month now and the doctor finally decided to admit her. We had first thought that she'd be going home Sunday, but they medicine they gave her did nothing for her and so she is still in the hospital. It will be a week Wednesday and we don't really know when she's coming home.

Because of that, I've been going to see her every night and I've been staying up there about 4-6 hours a pop. Yea, I went up there at 4:45 tonight and got home at 11:30.

Of course my Mom yelled at me for going up there and staying so long, saying I have a life and Jen needs to get over it and learn the toughen up but I have to disagree with her. Dammit she's sick, in the hospital for days and days now, away from her hubby, away from her dogs, away from her bed and any sort of entertainment she had. She's sick and miserable and if all I do is sit there with her and help remind her that she's not alone, then I'll go every night and sit every night. I go up there and we talk, we play on her laptop, we both play our Nintendos, we walk around, who knows where the time goes. My middle sister can't do it because she has my niece and she is my baby sister and if that is what will make her feel better and give her some sort of company, then I'm going to do this until she tells me to go away.

Anyway, apparently my mother got on her tonight too, telling her it was selfish that she let me come up there every night and stay so long and so Jen told me I didn't have to do it and that if I had other things to do then I should. After that I explained to her my standpoint .. she's my babysis, I could not imagine being stuck in a hospital like she is, and that if my being there is helping her, then I'm going to keep coming and our mother can just get over it. She then said that she enjoyed me being there and felt selfish in wanting me to be up there like I am. So it's settled then ... I like to keep her company and she wants me to keep coming.

Needless to say I'm going to work, working through lunch every day, sitting with the dogs for a bit, then heading to the hospital, coming home and staying up until about 1 or 2 (:30 last night .. AAWW!), then getting up at 7 and starting over. Imagine when I start going to the gym at 5:30 ... wow that's going to hurt!!

The weekends I am trying to do some 'fun' things during the day to destress from the work week (hopefully next time it won't encourage the spending of so much money) and then I'm sitting with my sister all evening / night. I was up there about 7 hours I think both days this weekend.

Moral of the story is that I've temporarily cast off all of my other busy things for the moment with the exception of my sis and the people who sign my pay checks. Her birthday is this Friday so I hope and pray that Friday we're not bringing cake to a hospital room, but if so, then I'll just hope she comes the day after that.


Ok .. it's 12:15 and I still need to 'decompress' before bed so I must run. I'm sure this horribly long ramble explains the EXACT REASON why I need to decompress every night .. I swear my brain runs at 200 miles an hour and if I don't do something to unwind, like puzzles or something to 'put me to sleep' ... like last night, I will literally lie awake all night unable to sleep. So .. I slept from 2:30 -4:30 and was awake after that ... and I'm apparently still awake now. Yea .. it will eventually catch up to me I know...

Any typos get my premature apologies .. if I check that I'll be on here forever!! I hate typos and I'm the queen of making them and catching them after the fact .. I hate it when I do that!! .. so if you see any .. sorry!!!

Are they trying to tell me something?

Ok .. the past few days have been rough, but I'll get to that in a minute. First, something else...



I have decided that I am angry with God. Yes, I hate to write that, I really do, because I think that he's going to slap me for saying that. But, on the other hand, that is how I feel and I can't sort this all out until I admit things and find Square One.


Why? Well, it's simple, really. I am sitting in my house without Josie and Maggie. It's unfair, it's cruel, and because of it, I am angry with God. They should still be here and I should have years left but instead I have nothing. However, with that being said, I have no idea how to process my anger because the solution is not possible. The only thing that would take away the pain is to give them back, and I don't think that's going to happen, so what do I do now??

This is not just something that I'm saying on a whim .. I've actually been 'dealing with this' for a couple of weeks .. trust me I NEED to drive out to the middle of nowhere and beat the hell out of something. I'll be the first person to admit that I have too much pent up anger because of this and if I don't get rid of it I'm bond to explode. I was hoping at first that this was a rash and 'in the moment' thought, but I know now that it is more than likely not something that I really feel. Now, knowing that there's something going on I need to figure out the answer.




Ok ... now fast forward a week.


Yesterday was Josie's birthday. It completely tore me up, not only yesterday but into today as well. Lately I've been mistakenly calling Lizzy Josie, I guess because she vaguely vaguely reminds me of Josie. It's been killing me every time I've said it, or tried to.

I also wore the shirt that I had on when Maggie died. I don't wear it very often because in her passing, I have a small stain on it from where she laid her head on my chest but I just happened to be wearing it when I realized what day it was.

Today I go to pick up Archie and this lady is holding her baby wrapped in a blanket and it reminded me of Maggie. On the way there I kept thinking to myself that when Maggie's 1 year anniversary came (within the next 2 weeks) that maybe I'd go to where she died, light a candle, and say a prayer. With my luck, 10 minutes later, for the first time in almost a year, I found myself standing in that exact room.

I was balling like a baby .. you have no idea what it feels like to stand in a room that once caused you so much pain. I just stared at the wall as much as I could and I would not even sit in one of the chairs. It was one of hardest things standing there because everything came back in 3D ... memories that hurt to relive.

So between me calling Lizzy Josie, Josie's birthday, Maggie's shirt, the year anniversary of Maggie's passing, and Maggie's room ... are they trying to say something to me? If so, why can't I hear them? I have yet to let things go, and I have no idea how I'm ever going to do that to be honest.

I know that most people don't understand what it's like. I feel sorry for those people because they live their whole life with assumptions that are completely wrong and filtered. At the same time, I have so much of me in those girls that to let go means that I'm going to rip myself into pieces in the process. I don't think that I have the strength, the desire, or the willpower to pick myself up. I don't want to move on, I don't want to forget. Remembering hurts, but I don't think there's any other option. If there is, I don't want it.


Ok ... I think I need a break from writing this .. in hopes to find something else to consume my thoughts.

Knight on Shining Lawn Mower??

Ok ... here's a ramble, but I can't help it...

Lately my life has been a bit too busy. I always claim to be busy but lately it's really really been spiraling out of control. I'm sleeping about 4 or 5 hours a night because that's pretty much all the time I can spare .. it's that bad!

Lucky for me we had / are having that drought and while it's killed off my flowers from really blooming this year, it's been a blessing in that I have not had to cut my grass much. Then, to top it off the last time I cut my grass my lawn mower started acting a fool, and of course I have not had time to deal with it. So my yard has needed it, but it hasn't been as bad as it's gotten before :o)

Ok .. to my point.

I came home the other day and part of my front yard was cut. I have no idea who did it and I've been asking around. Then, tonight I came home and they finished off my front yard. This is about the second of third time this year that it's happened and I can't figure out who's the person I need to thank.

Sadly, I came home for lunch today to check on Archie (he had tests done this week and so I've been checking on him during lunch) and then I came home after work (before leaving again for the gym) and I did not notice my yard. So I have no idea when it was cut. It's really bad when someone is so busy that they drive by something 3-4 times a day and can't even see a difference. So .. part of me takes that as a big hint that I need to regroup, reorganize, and try to make myself, my house, etc a bit more of a priority that it is right now.

So .. I have a few more things to add on to my list in addition to more things for Archie, working when I'm typically the last person to leave the office every night, and running during my other free half of my lunch because that's the only real time I can squeeze for exercise on a consistent basis (I go to the gym 2-3 times a week on a typical week .. I just wish the gym was 24 hours over the weekend because that would really help...).

I hope to run into the person who's really saving me here so I can thank them. I have a few more ideas of who to ask and I'm hoping that I find the kind soul :o)

Ok .. enough for now because I still have laundry to do before bed and it's already 10:30 ... no wonder I can never get a good night's rest!!!