Ok .. the past few days have been rough, but I'll get to that in a minute. First, something else...
I have decided that I am angry with God. Yes, I hate to write that, I really do, because I think that he's going to slap me for saying that. But, on the other hand, that is how I feel and I can't sort this all out until I admit things and find Square One.
Why? Well, it's simple, really. I am sitting in my house without Josie and Maggie. It's unfair, it's cruel, and because of it, I am angry with God. They should still be here and I should have years left but instead I have nothing. However, with that being said, I have no idea how to process my anger because the solution is not possible. The only thing that would take away the pain is to give them back, and I don't think that's going to happen, so what do I do now??
This is not just something that I'm saying on a whim .. I've actually been 'dealing with this' for a couple of weeks .. trust me I NEED to drive out to the middle of nowhere and beat the hell out of something. I'll be the first person to admit that I have too much pent up anger because of this and if I don't get rid of it I'm bond to explode. I was hoping at first that this was a rash and 'in the moment' thought, but I know now that it is more than likely not something that I really feel. Now, knowing that there's something going on I need to figure out the answer.
Ok ... now fast forward a week.
Yesterday was Josie's birthday. It completely tore me up, not only yesterday but into today as well. Lately I've been mistakenly calling Lizzy Josie, I guess because she vaguely vaguely reminds me of Josie. It's been killing me every time I've said it, or tried to.
I also wore the shirt that I had on when Maggie died. I don't wear it very often because in her passing, I have a small stain on it from where she laid her head on my chest but I just happened to be wearing it when I realized what day it was.
Today I go to pick up Archie and this lady is holding her baby wrapped in a blanket and it reminded me of Maggie. On the way there I kept thinking to myself that when Maggie's 1 year anniversary came (within the next 2 weeks) that maybe I'd go to where she died, light a candle, and say a prayer. With my luck, 10 minutes later, for the first time in almost a year, I found myself standing in that exact room.
I was balling like a baby .. you have no idea what it feels like to stand in a room that once caused you so much pain. I just stared at the wall as much as I could and I would not even sit in one of the chairs. It was one of hardest things standing there because everything came back in 3D ... memories that hurt to relive.
So between me calling Lizzy Josie, Josie's birthday, Maggie's shirt, the year anniversary of Maggie's passing, and Maggie's room ... are they trying to say something to me? If so, why can't I hear them? I have yet to let things go, and I have no idea how I'm ever going to do that to be honest.
I know that most people don't understand what it's like. I feel sorry for those people because they live their whole life with assumptions that are completely wrong and filtered. At the same time, I have so much of me in those girls that to let go means that I'm going to rip myself into pieces in the process. I don't think that I have the strength, the desire, or the willpower to pick myself up. I don't want to move on, I don't want to forget. Remembering hurts, but I don't think there's any other option. If there is, I don't want it.
Ok ... I think I need a break from writing this .. in hopes to find something else to consume my thoughts.
I have decided that I am angry with God. Yes, I hate to write that, I really do, because I think that he's going to slap me for saying that. But, on the other hand, that is how I feel and I can't sort this all out until I admit things and find Square One.
Why? Well, it's simple, really. I am sitting in my house without Josie and Maggie. It's unfair, it's cruel, and because of it, I am angry with God. They should still be here and I should have years left but instead I have nothing. However, with that being said, I have no idea how to process my anger because the solution is not possible. The only thing that would take away the pain is to give them back, and I don't think that's going to happen, so what do I do now??
This is not just something that I'm saying on a whim .. I've actually been 'dealing with this' for a couple of weeks .. trust me I NEED to drive out to the middle of nowhere and beat the hell out of something. I'll be the first person to admit that I have too much pent up anger because of this and if I don't get rid of it I'm bond to explode. I was hoping at first that this was a rash and 'in the moment' thought, but I know now that it is more than likely not something that I really feel. Now, knowing that there's something going on I need to figure out the answer.
Ok ... now fast forward a week.
Yesterday was Josie's birthday. It completely tore me up, not only yesterday but into today as well. Lately I've been mistakenly calling Lizzy Josie, I guess because she vaguely vaguely reminds me of Josie. It's been killing me every time I've said it, or tried to.
I also wore the shirt that I had on when Maggie died. I don't wear it very often because in her passing, I have a small stain on it from where she laid her head on my chest but I just happened to be wearing it when I realized what day it was.
Today I go to pick up Archie and this lady is holding her baby wrapped in a blanket and it reminded me of Maggie. On the way there I kept thinking to myself that when Maggie's 1 year anniversary came (within the next 2 weeks) that maybe I'd go to where she died, light a candle, and say a prayer. With my luck, 10 minutes later, for the first time in almost a year, I found myself standing in that exact room.
I was balling like a baby .. you have no idea what it feels like to stand in a room that once caused you so much pain. I just stared at the wall as much as I could and I would not even sit in one of the chairs. It was one of hardest things standing there because everything came back in 3D ... memories that hurt to relive.
So between me calling Lizzy Josie, Josie's birthday, Maggie's shirt, the year anniversary of Maggie's passing, and Maggie's room ... are they trying to say something to me? If so, why can't I hear them? I have yet to let things go, and I have no idea how I'm ever going to do that to be honest.
I know that most people don't understand what it's like. I feel sorry for those people because they live their whole life with assumptions that are completely wrong and filtered. At the same time, I have so much of me in those girls that to let go means that I'm going to rip myself into pieces in the process. I don't think that I have the strength, the desire, or the willpower to pick myself up. I don't want to move on, I don't want to forget. Remembering hurts, but I don't think there's any other option. If there is, I don't want it.
Ok ... I think I need a break from writing this .. in hopes to find something else to consume my thoughts.
